The New Youth Craze

Many readers have been writing in about a graphic used yesterday on Google's search page. It shows the word "Google" with strangely hypnotic, multi-colored swirls of paint. Some of my readers think this "Goo-graphic" is meant to be a subversive homage to this new drug called “Mary Jane.”

I did some digging and it turns out they are correct. Somehow this "Mary Jane" is much more noteworthy in the eyes of the pathetic liberal shills at Google than the resurrection of our Blessed Saviour.

Have you heard of "Mary Jane?" Do you have kids? Parents? Friends? Acquaintances? If you stop reading now, you do so at your peril.

The Urban Dictionary lists seven definitions for “Mary Jane.” But, here’s the one that fits my political agenda:

Slang for marijuana. It originates from the Spanish language.
Literally
Mari-Mary
Huana/Juana-Jane

Let's smoke that bowl, hit the bong,
And then take that finger off of that hole,
Plug it, unplug it,
Don't straaaain, I love you Mary Jane,
She never complains, when I hit Mary,
With that flame, I light up the cherry,
She's so good to me, when I pack a fresh bowl I clean the screen … [sic]
--Cypress Hill; Hits from the Bong; Black Sunday

"Mary Jane" refers to the drug marijuana or “ Cannabis Sativa; a plant containing tetrahydracannibonol, more commonly known as THC, the active ingredient which provides an existential like state of cosmic interaction known as being high” — and it's spreading to a town near you.

Actors Tim Allen and Tony Curtis did it.  So did Bela Lugosi and that pathetic moonbat Marion Berry. On the Internets, there are thousands of websites (with titles such as "Don't Fear the Refer," "Jones-In," and "Bong World") featuring "famous potheads," photos of teenagers' rolling “joints,” and descriptions of their techniques. This perilous habit has been depicted in films targeting people who enjoy humor (Fast Times at Ridgemont High). There is even a new genre of music — "progressive rock" — associated with promoting the “Mary Jane” experience. 

In Norway, the authorities estimate that one in five desperate "potheads" engage in drinking their own “bong” water. According to psychiatrist Michele Catalano, medical director of Our Lady of the Blessed Sacrament Hospital in Great Neck, New York, the growing trend here in America has alarmed high school driver’s ed teachers across the nation:

There are just as many "root causes" for this as there are ways to medicate yourself. For most of the teens who do this, it's a kind of release. They have bottled up emotions and the only way to let the pain out is to get "high."

It's not just teenagers, illegal immigrants, Japanese-American internees and gangstas who are doing it. A concerned grandmother recently sent me the following email:

I just found out this week that my 32-year-old daughter is a "hop-head." She has a decent job at the Piggly Wiggly, a nice man to take care of her and three wonderful children. They live in an upscale ranch house. Her "Desperate Housewife" neighbors smoke “dope” also.

I also received this letter from a distraught child: 

My mommy uses a pipe to smoke her “Mary Jane.” I found this out on her “weblog” which I discovered she had been hiding on a secret “LiveJournal” account she used at work. She has links to web rings about “Mary Jane,” The Grateful Dead and “head” shops as well as art work and literature dedicated to the drug. Her friends all feature drug/museum links, icons and song lyrics on their "weblogs" too!

While many liberals deny the drug problem exists, public health advocacy groups are warning medical professionals of the drug craze—and have even declared April 1st "Self Medication Awareness Day."

This insanity would not be as popular as it is among non-illegal immigrants if not for the tacit approval of Hollywood’s minor glitterati, such as fiftysomething actor Tim Allen.

It may be all fun and games for a Hollywood legend like Allen, but his mindless stunts have inspired countless victims to smoke themselves into a temporary, negligible euphoria.

[Update: Hey Koufax readers! The best part of this post is the comments, so keep reading. Also, be sure to check out my regular blog here.]