Making Up Stories

Now that the gang at Powerline and Michelle Malkin have been proven again to be the the lying tools that they are (uh, and blaming Tom Harkin or looking for another scapegoat sorta goes against the whole Republican "personal responsibility" thing, doesn't it?), they'll need to find, as Atrios and Hilzoy suggest, a new scandalous untruth to spread to their drooling minions.

In the interest of bi-partisanship, I think we should help them brainstorm some ideas.

What shall it be, then? Illegal immigrants sneak into San Diego homes to drink the blood of unsuspecting white babies? Jimmy Carter performed a human sacrifice in the Lincoln Bedroom back in '78 and that's why he's not going to the Pope's funeral? Hillary Clinton conspired to have a guy murdered and then covered it up? John Kerry shot his entire squad in Vietnam and replaced them with hippie look-a-likes he found partying with Hanoi Jane in Ho Chi Min City?

Obviously, I'm not in my best "creative zone" this morning. So, help me out by leaving your suggestions in comments below.

Comments

[upyernoz]

the few that pop immediately to mind:

(1) dr. howard dean is secretly turning the basement of DNC headquarters into an abortion clinic, where he personally performs the procedure and then uses the fetuses to perform stem cell research to find new ways of killing comatose women

(2) hillary clinton is secretly behind the tom delay scandal because she wants to take his position as congresswoman from texas--a far better stepping stone to the presidency than being a senator from the people's republic of new york

on the other hand, there's no need to be that creative. here's the text of a real email sent out by the American Family Association:

Here is the agenda the liberals want to achieve. They want Senators to filibuster any judicial nominee who will not support this agenda.

1. Approval of homosexual marriage
2. Legalizing euthanasia
3. Banning prayer in school
4. Banning the public display of the Ten Commandments
5. Banning the Pledge of Allegiance
6. Basing our laws on the laws of other nations
7. Maintaining abortion on demand
8. Forcing the Boy Scouts and similar organizations (including churches) to place homosexuals in positions of leadership
9. Complete protection for all kinds of pornography
10. Creating hate crimes laws to punish those who believe homosexuality is wrong
11. Denigrating Christianity to a secondary status
12. Making secularism the only legitimate religion

sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. now excuse me while i call 911. i just saw someone recite the pledge of allegiance

[Eli]

Next year's Maklin parody site is already writing itself.

[BETH ANNE]

Tom Delay was possessed by a demon who made him do bad, bad things. However, he is cured now and should be able to retain his office.

[TravisG]

Beth Anne, the Pope himself performed the exorcism, and that's why DeLay must go to his funeral.

[norbizness]

Hey look, this obscure adjunct professor at Cow Patty Junior College in Jerkwipe, Idaho said something dumb about the Palestinian conflict in one of their high school essays in 1987. So you jackasses on the left can stop pretending like you hold some moral high ground over a Republican Senator giving a speech about retribution against judges.

[VKW]

Sun Myung Moon said...Sorry, forgot, they like his money...Okay, Hillary wants to become President AND Pope so she can force our schoolchildren to recite the Pledge of Allegiance BACKWARDS and bring about Armageddon!!!

[mu tau]

ahmad chalabi & ilk inc are actually liberal democrats who conned the president into war.

enron wasn't a scandal but a sound, well-managed business wantonly destroyed by the liberal media.

ieds aren't really that dangerous or else insurgents would be setting off wmds, so the iraqis really did welcome us because ieds are like rose petals.

private accounts will be pegged to the full faith and credit of the argentine peso.

let's be clear -- the president's clean air initiative will create jobs; as we speak, manufacturers are tripling projections for gas masks and respirators.

[doghouse riley]

Okay, just calm down, everybody. This one's still a scandal, because the Post wire story of three weeks ago said the memo was circulated by the Republican leadership, whereas now we know it was just a lone gunman. So the story isn't going away until we get some apologies, dammit.

[Agitprop]

Hillary Clinton is actually a fem-bot constructed by the gay mafia and the femi-nazis at NOW. Their plan is to get her elected in 2008 so she can replace the Constitution with the Satanic Bible and force all citizens into a mandatory membership with NAMBLA. The conservatives in D.C. planned to use former brainwashed child sex slave turned man-whore journalist Jeff Gannon to uncover this left-wing conspiracy but their plan was foiled when liberal bloggers discovered his gay porn websites.

[eric]

I bet any of these commenters could get a job a at wingnut site, if they could stomach playing the game.

It’s a matter of time before a criminal will be able to effectively mount an insanity defense by proving that they were once a neocon blogger (of course in their perfect world, proving neoconness would guarantee innocence). Since these people are masters at contorting anything into anything which somehow gets read and believed, I’m just gonna give em challenges. Like maybe:

Prove the scientific method does not work in 50 words or less.
Prove that Ann Coulter is a woman in 100 words or less (and without pictures!), and that a liberal conspiracy made her that way.
Prove that Michael Moore is the antichrist in less than 5 words.
Demonstrate that the common troll post: “Fuck all you lieberal assholes.” is sheer genius.
Prove that a journalist who has a conservative (dictionary definition) mindset is more talented at getting to the truth than someone who has a liberal one (again, dictionary definition). No word limit.

[BS Detector]

riley sez: "...memo was circulated by the Republican leadership, whereas now we know it was just a lone gunman."

NO. We don't know that at all.

Mel "Super High Powered Personal Injury Attorney Top Dog" Martinez has a long history with numerous incidents of blaming someone else for his outrageous actions. With Mel, it's always someone else's fault.

Geez, the Republican Primary in Florida wasn't that long ago. How soon we forget. If you need a refresher, just ask Bill McCollum.

[rcauthen]

1. JFK did Roy Cohn, Mr. Ed, and all of the Original Mouseketeers.
2. Martin Luther King plagiarized "Letter from Birmingham Jail" from an eighth-grade term paper by John Cornyn.
3. George W. Bush is the direct descendant of Jesus and Mary Magdalene, except that they didn't do it, which proves it even more.
4. Masturbation causes liberalism.
5. Terry Schiavo should have been elevated to the Supreme Court.