In Which We Re-Visit the 'Door Opening' Mythology

Ah, kids. I wrote about this urban legend blogospheric eons ago. As a commenter pointed out here then, it's possible it has its origins in Marilyn Frye's essay, Oppression:

"The door-opening pretends to be a helpful service, but the helpfulness is false. This can be seen by noting that it will be done whether or not it makes any practical sense... The gallant gestures have no practical meaning. Their meaning is symbolic. The door-opening and similar services provided are services which really are needed by people who are for one reason or another incapacitated – unwell, burdened with parcels, etc. So the message is that women are incapable... The message of the false helpfulness of male gallantry is female dependence, the invisibility or insignificance of women, and contempt for women."

I took a handful of women's studies courses back in the early '80s [at the first University to offer a major in women's studies, btw] and I'd never heard of Frye or this essay until last January. Maybe I ditched and went surfing the day it was covered. Is it widely taught?

Or, more to the point, has there ever been an angry mob of protesting feminists who refuse to have men open doors for them? Does anyone have the time to register the gender of someone opening the door for them? Or is this simply yet another instance of taking the opinions and/ or actions of the fringe and attributing them to a larger group in an effort to render the larger group or cause perjorative in the mainstream?

Comments

[marie antoinette]

Ah, to be back in Miami, where we don't bother with that door-opening shit.
I don't know where men get off complaining about opening doors for women. Now that I live in Dixieland, I notice that everybody opens doors for everybody..men for men, men for women, women for men, etc.

[Roxanne]

To be fair, I've never heard anyone --man or woman-- complain about opening a door for someone.

[coturnix]

Once, many many years ago, I went out on a date with a girl. Very smart, very opinionated, very self-sufficient, very emancipated. We went around town which meant encountering numerous doors. Well, she not just insisted I opened every door for her, she even taught me teh exact WAY she wanted me to open the door (so although I am holding the door, she is the first one to actually go through it - try and see how physically hard it is if a door is heavy).

I was never a slacker in that department, but hey, being young and equal and everything, the neccesssity to open EVERY door and do it in an uncomfortable way struck me as over the top. I thanked her for teaching me the technique. Needless to say, the relationship did NOT progress to anything more than friendship....

[Char]

I don't think I've ever complained when men have opened doors for me, but I don't especially like it when they place their hands on my back and "guide" me through the doorway.

[The Commissar]

"taking the ... actions of the fringe and attributing them to a larger group in an effort to render the larger group or cause perjorative in the mainstream?"

Heh. Guilty. I have been having all kinds of fun with pat Roberton's comments about God and Dover. As have many Lefties. Maybe even some feminists?

So Christians may feel annoyed when we pounce on Robertson. And feminists may feel annoyed when we pounce on Marilyn Frye.

Members of all groups have to deal with the negative PR caused by their fringe, or toss the fringe element out, which they are usually unwilling to do.

[Amanda Marcotte]

I don't think I've ever complained when men have opened doors for me, but I don't especially like it when they place their hands on my back and "guide" me through the doorway.

I don't mind that. Granted, it only happens on dates and it's just an excuse to get some kind of physical contact and if I wasn't amendable to having my back touched by a guy, I'd probably not be on a date with him already.

[eRobin]

To be fair, I've never heard anyone --man or woman-- complain about opening a door for someone.

I've never had a man complain about my holding the door for him but I've had plenty rush through the door to grab the inner one for me (if one existed) to reciprocate. It's gotten so I sort of slow down a little to give them a chance to do that if they feel they have to. And I almost always get effusive thanks from a man for whom I hold the door as if they're making it clear that I really didn't have to do that.

I like opening doors as a courtesy for either sex by either sex but the tradition I really love is the idea that men should stand when a women enters a room. Very cool. Even if it's just a token bob up from the seat.

[Ping]

The existence of people who see opening doors as an insult is definitely real. I recently participated in a discussion about sexism in which i wrote:

Every act of kindness can be seen both ways — as a gift or as an insult. For something as simple and harmless as saying "Sorry" (or opening a door), it's really up to the recipient to decide whether they would rather feel honoured or offended. To look upon a kindness in one area as part of a secret plot to deprive women of justice in other areas seems silly and counterproductive, to me. Sometimes people are just trying to be nice.

The reply i got was that it was "best to avoid actions that make some people feel bad. If somebody knows that treating women like china dolls is going to make some women feel bad, why would they keep doing it, other than a deep-seated need to contribute to gender stereotypes?"

I proposed:

How's this for a line between the kind of treatment i think is okay and not okay: if it's a kindness that could be done for anyone, man or woman, it ought to be okay. One could open a door for anyone, whereas a comment like "you play well for a woman" only applies to women.

and i was criticized (because i am male) for attempting to judge what kind of treatment women ought to find "simple" or "harmless".

What i want to know is: did my comments (the words in italics) constitute sexism?

[KathyF]

What about opening car doors? That's a little more than courtesy, isn't it? In these days of automatic keys?

[Dawn]

I knew three women from different parts of the country who were driven absolutely insane by a man holding a door open for them. This was about twenty years ago in California. Each of them thought it was an insult--kind of the equivalent of calling her "girl" instead of "woman" and each one felt the need to correct the situation.

[Hubris]

Or is this simply yet another instance of taking the opinions and/ or actions of the fringe and attributing them to a larger group in an effort to render the larger group or cause perjorative in the mainstream?

Impossible! This never happens, especially in the blogosphere.

[greenlily]

The Commissar hit the nail on the head I think!!!